down the rabbit hole…

alice, alice in wonderland, down the rabbit hole, john tenniel

Artwork by John Tenniel

That’s where I have been – in my own little Wonderland, fighting jabberwockies, theorizing with mad hatters, fighting the forces of evil, and trying to find my muchness.

“I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir. Because I am not myself, you see?” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I woke up several weeks ago and the fog had set in.  Not the normal fibro fog, but a heavier, darker, and more painful one.

My body ached, head to toe.

My heart hurt for no real reason.

Sleep was all I wanted – and not in the good way like on a lazy Sunday afternoon – the kind that consumes you for hours and days at a time: an escape.

I cried about everything.  I got mad over anything.

I tried to find my happiness, but the fog was so thick.

On the outside, I might have appeared a bit bummed here and there or a bit on edge…  I know my family noticed, but I don’t think they knew exactly how strong the jabberwocky was or how hard I was fighting – and spoons were long gone, completely out of reach, and let’s be real: a spoon is an awful weapon against a jabberwocky anyway.

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.”  ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I wasn’t even running…  I was limping, slowly…  losing ground on life, on drive, on focus, and on my muchness.

And, I still am.

It hasn’t lifted yet…  it has thinned out a bit, but it is definitely still here, following me like one of those cartoon foggy clouds, always with a damp drizzle and hard to see through at times.

And I have gone down the rabbit hole, moving in, setting up shop, and hiding out.

I have almost completely stopped posting anything anywhere because it feels like a lie to pretend everything is fine and good in my little burrow.

I have not created in 2 months.  Nothing.  Zippo.  Zilch.

My muchness is lost in the fog.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I am admitting, right now, very publicly, that I have been suffering from depression – a nasty bout.

I know what set it off.  That’s easy to identify.

Climbing back up and out of it, however, is much harder.

Falling down the hole was the easy part – fighting my way through my own personal Wonderland to get back up and out is a whole other story.

I am making progress, I see glimpses of my muchness now.  I see hope and light and a way out.  I just have to fight, hard, to get there.

Writing this is one step – admitting what’s going on.  I am shining a light out into the world and taking a step forward, away from the fog.  While it is hard – I have been writing this for over 2 weeks now – it is something I need to do, something to let the light shine in.

Now I can begin to move forward, up, and out.

Now I can begin to find my muchness again.

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I am a different person now…  for lots of reasons.  It is not a great reflection, however, of who I want to be.  I hope to look back at this in a week and know I am not this person anymore – I hope to learn from her, but I hope she is gone, back out in the sunshine.


Comments

down the rabbit hole… — 4 Comments

  1. Stephanie – girlfriend I have never experienced what you are going through nor would I want to. Keep climbing upward. You are a remarkable and talented woman who I learned much from through the years. You are an awesome mother to those wonderful boys and have much to be thankful for. We may be a state away from one another but I will always be here for you!

  2. I know that the climb is hard. sometimes we slip back down but remember the higher you climb the thinner the fog. My thoughts are with you. Remember not to force it and peace will will will come, slowly but surely the climb will ease.
    Liz

  3. I know the hole well and my heart goes out to you. I have no words of wisdom-are there any for this abyss-but know I care for you and wish with all my being for some light and joy to creep back in.

  4. I too know this misery. Just by writing this and explaining the fight will help so many others who think they are alone in the fight. Just keep fighting it and little by little you will get through it.

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