I am a master at fear.
I truly have it down to a science.
I am first-born, type A, with anxiety. Fear is second nature to me. It is home at some level.
Lately, however, it has become a bit more aggressive than I would like, grabbing hold of me and making life a tad more difficult.
There is an art to fear – a balance, a fine line that must be walked. You can only let it have so much control before it takes over. If you don’t put it in the proper place, suddenly it thinks it is in charge and you find yourself wearing the same clothes every day, not sleeping or sleeping too much, wondering what you are doing and feeling as if you are holed up in your house. Then the flair-ups start, the pain creeps in, and it all goes to hell in a very nice hand basket.
That is when fear is winning… and right now I am losing. My fear is winning.
And, I will be very honest here – it has been winning for some time.
This is how I know…
I am fearing art.
I am afraid to create anything of meaning, of substance, or that allows me to truly express myself because I have no idea what will come out.
Yes, I have been making and art journaling… but very little of true substance. It is all pretty, fluffy, and happy.
I wish I could say that it started with the passing of my grandfather, but that would be a lie. It started well before that, back in the fall.
My confidence was shaken and I have slowly turned more and more inward and then I think the grief added to it and I lost my footing to the fear.
Today, however, I am taking it back – the control that is.
Once you put it out there and you talk about it, the fear loses its power. It can no longer be the one in control.
Today I stop fearing art and I right the ship, rewriting the laws within the art of fear. In fact, I might need to look at it all again – maybe fear has always had too much free reign in my life to begin with. Maybe that fine line should be wider and stronger in my advantage – less precarious.
I will start slowly, but I am no longer drowning in it, even as I type this I feel it getting better.
Sometimes I just have to write this stuff out and send it off into the universe.
Hello universe – thank you for listening.