Today is another one of those posts that are a bit more real that in is sometimes comfortable.
Today’s post is about a realization that occurred while visiting the doctor a couple of weeks ago.
I went due to just not feeling good – just a regular appointment when you are sick.
I left with a realization that being healthy has not been in my vocabulary lately. I have been eating what I want, when I want, not exercising, not meditating, and just overall not caring.
I have been feeling so good… it is clear that the stress of my previous job was definitely affecting me in not-so-positive ways, leading to flair after flair of my fibro. The stress of being jobless is less than what the day-to-day stress was there. That is seriously not an awesome realization to have. It really isn’t. I reveled in it, however.
Now that I was feeling better, I started taking my food changes for granted and started to eat and drink a lot of things that I haven’t for a while – and I did it with wild abandon.
So, when I went to the doctor and stepped on the scale, 211.7 was staring back at me.
I haven’t been that heavy since I was full term with a second person growing inside of me. And, unless I am having a pasta, wine, and cheese baby, there is no third Hamen child expecting to make an arrival.
In my heart, I knew it was time to address some realities, but my head and my motivation center made another choice – ignore it and go for Friday fish fry… why not?!?!?! It’s all about “that bass”, right? Matt isn’t complaining and who cares, right?
Then last week I finished up the studio to film some new craft tutorials… I stood in front of the camera, began filming, and then began crying when I played it back.
This bloated, haggard woman was staring back at me… who is that? That can’t be me… She sounds like me and we are wearing the same, super tight and uncomfortable, pants, but that cannot be me.
I had to face reality… I am not healthy. I had massive fibro flair shortly after and then it all hit home. While I have been feeling better, it is still there, just floating below the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down and not take care of me… then it pounces and kicks my ass, showing me who is really in charge right now. I am too tired, haggard, and busy eating to fight back, so it will take charge.
So, I stepped on the scale at home, for real – post shower. No shoes or sweaters to blame for the extra 25+ pounds, because that is what you do – you rationalize that it was the clothes or the lunch you just ate that added all of that weight – not the fact that you actually do weigh that amount. For real it showed 207.9. I get less than 4 pound in clothes and shoes… not 25.
And so began the march to health, which was quickly derailed this weekend, but it is Monday and I am back at it. Today I get back to tracking and logging what I eat, what I do, and how much water I drink. Today I embrace this journey and I start to get healthy.
I know what you are thinking – great, another blogger discussing weight loss. No – while that is part of this, for me it is more about feeling good and feeling healthy. I will never be stick skinny like I was in high school – pre-kids, pre-birth control, and playing 3 sports a year plus taking gym everyday. Those days are gone and I am okay with that. I am not ok, however, with fibro ruling my life, my clothes not fitting, and not having the energy I need to live this life that I love. The weight is part of it, but the other aspects are so much more important to me. If being this weight meant I was healthy too, cool. It is not, however, so now it is time to embrace it, deal with it, and move on.
I love that as a culture we are becoming more okay with curves and “that bass,” but that doesn’t mean that we take feeling good and healthy out of the equation – at least not for me. And, trust me, there are still going to be bevvies, foodie pics, and butter in my life, but I need to balance that with more healthy choices during the regular moments in my days.
And now I am off – off to log in this scone I broke down and ordered at the coffee house – it is sooooo good – and then get moving.
Here’s to healthy living, both physically and mentally (more on this to come soon…).
Happy Monday and now let’s go for a walk!